Aggression, Bullying, Conflict Resolution and Discipline

(This is reposted from The Moat Blog.)

Well, good morning. Or rather, already-exhausted-from-your-children afternoon! These A,B,C,D’s aren’t very cheery; in fact, they could be perceived as downright depressing. At first look, they may make you want to go back to bed, find a fairy tale version of parenting, and imagine your ending is “and they lived happily ever-after” as you drift off to sleep. We can dream, can’t we? But that isn’t reality, so take a deep breath because life today in the parenting lane is fast. Let’s find some defensive driving tips.

A: Alertness, attention, and awareness. As a parent, you have to be alert to the dangers of the potential aggression coming at your child. Before you pull on your Momma and Poppa Bear gloves and get ready to fight, let’s assess first.

• Aggression abounds in our culture. Pay attention to the messages your child may be getting from television, commercials, video games, and even friends.

• Be alert and establish a bully-free environment in your own home by cultivating a spirit in your family that communicates the message, “I love you, trust you, hear you, value you, respect you, believe in you, and am here for you. I want you to feel safe.”

• Set a zero-tolerance level on bullying by holding your child accountable for offensive behaviors, enforcing appropriate repercussions related to offenses, and providing opportunities for your child to make amends.

• Monitor aggressive video games, movies and television programs, social relationships, music, and music videos.

B: Bullies, Bystanders, and the Bullied. There is an excellent book, The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso. I heartily recommend it for parents. Sometimes we are so busy looking for the big bad bully who might hurt our child that we neglect to look in our own backyard. Of course, we are sure our child could never be the bully. This book gently helps you look for signs in case it is your child. Gulp. I know, time to get another cup of coffee.

But, bystander? That is the one we tend not to think about, the child who stands by and lets a bully go after a friend as your child stands amongst the other fearful onlookers, doing nothing about it. This book addresses the signs of this passivity and what to do about it.

And, of course, the bullied, which is every parent’s worst nightmare. What to do, how to handle it, and where to go for help. June Hunt and I address the complexities of this issue in our book Bonding with Your Teen through Boundaries to be released this August.

C: Connections, Communication, and Conflict Resolution. Everyone wants to feel connected—it is one of our primary needs. So, we communicate. And because we are human, we sometimes have conflicts. It’s a conundrum.

Kay is ‘right on’ with the Moat Blog! One of the keys to success is providing Table Talk for your family. Communicate at the table. Allow each person to share about their day—the highs and the lows. Encourage your children to be detectives. “Look for ways in which television, commercials, billboards, video games and even your friends, tried to get your thinking to go a certain way. What did they want you to think? Do you actually agree with it? What do you believe? Why?” You want your children to have convictions and be able to defend and articulate what they believe.

Conflict resolution is a life skill. If we teach it to our children when they are young, we can help them to not resort to being a bully with their hands or words in order to get what they want.

D: Discipline, Decide, and Determine. Oh dear, there’s that pesky word…discipline. That’s the part of our parental job description we would like to skip right over, isn’t it? But when we decide to establish boundaries with the issues that are important, and determine consequences for crossing over those boundaries, parenting can become more joyful.

Let’s say that your little cherubs have decided to be bullies with their fists or words. Or, you discover that your teen is using the computer or cell phone to ruin someone’s reputation via cyberspace. These actions require strong responses on your part, not emotional reactions, but carefully thought-through responses.

• Decide on a consequence for each that is related to the deed. The purpose of a consequence is to retrain the brain and transform the heart. For the little one who used his fists to get a point across, he must now find three ways to use his hands to help, serve, and love that person.

• For the little darlin’ who used her words to gossip and malign, she needs to go out of her way to use her words to encourage and edify that person.

• The teen needs to know that you will have a Sherlock Holmes mindset, that you will inspect what you expect. Cell phones, texting, and computer trails may be followed at a moment’s notice. But most important is the heart. Help your teen towards sincere repentance and restitution with the other person.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me and lead me in the way everlasting!” (Psalm 139: 23-24 ESV)

Be a proactive parent. Model for your children and teens the behaviors you want by showing them kindness, being considerate, expressing unconditional love, and listening attentively. Establish boundaries that are defined, fair, clearly communicated, and consistently enforced in a respectful manner. Create a home in which you are attentive to aggression, establishing boundaries, teaching communication skills, and providing desirable discipline. You can do it, one step at a time…

Big Bear Hugs to All You Dads on Father's Day

What images, thoughts, expectations and memories do the words “Father’s Day” conjure up in your mind? The Lord blessed me with the most fun, loving, gentle father in the world. I went on to marry a fun, wise man that loves and supports me completely. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t praise the Lord for these gifts that keep on giving. As a counselor, I see many damaged people who never experienced the unconditional love of a good father. If you are one, please know that I am so sorry for your loss. I prayed about your response to this blog. Would it encourage you to know it is possible? Or, discourage you to know what you have missed? My prayer is that you can be encouraged to know that good fathers do exist. For now, I want to share “Chet” with you. There is enough of “Chet” to go around for everyone!

My Funny, Faithful Father

Chet is my father. He was raised by two very opposite people, as is the case of most marriages. My grandmother was a quiet, introverted woman who often sat quietly with the Bible in her lap, praying. By the time I was old enough to get to know her, she had lost most of her sight and hearing. But she still sat with the Bible in her lap, praying. That is a separate Mother’s Day story. For closure purposes now, it took me until I was 60 years old to realize the incredible legacy she left me, the power of her prayers. How many of my positive life choices have been as a result of her prayers? I may not know until eternity. But, let’s get back to Chet for now.

Chet’s father, my grandfather was a good man. But he was an alcoholic, which made him not be the good man he was when he wasn’t drinking. That is all I will say for now. My dad’s older brother followed in his foot-steps. My father did not. When my grandfather would leave for long periods of time, food became scarce. At one time, my grandmother said to my father, “I can’t care for you any longer. I have no money. You will need to find your own way.” He was 14.

My Dad, being my Dad, made the best of it. He worked in farms wherever he could find work. Of course, he had to drop out of school. I remember him saying, “Sometimes I would wake up with snow on me, I would just shake it off and get to work.” Yes, he had slept in a barn. Did I mention this was in MinneSNOWta? There was never a hint of resentment in his voice. That was the way it was and he shared it with a positive life lesson, as he always did with everything.

When my oldest brother, who was the brainier of the family was taking what we would now call AP math classes and needed a little help with his homework, Dad would help him with Calculus. How could he, with only a very rural 8th grade education? Alan, my brother, went on to get a Ph.D. in statistics, and Al and Dad would sit around talking about “math”. It was only many years later when I became a learning styles specialist did it dawn on me that my Dad had what Dr. Howard Gardner would call “Logical Mathematical Intelligence”. He simply had it. Even without an education, he was brilliant in math. Both my sons had full math scholarships to a great university. I recognize math intelligence when I see it now. Thank you, Dad.

My Dad worked farms, drove taxi cars, had gas stations and did whatever he could to keep food on the table for his seven children. He never paid a bill late one time in his life. He did not miss work. Some early, cold MinneSNOWta mornings, I would see him sit on the side of the bed, willing himself to get up to shovel out the car to get to work for another 15 hour day. At least he didn’t have to shake the snow off. He never once complained.

My Daddy was the funniest person I know, and certainly the silliest. He knew countless jokes. As adult children, we decided to put a timer on him one day to see how many he knew. We said, “Go” and after 12 hours we realized he was still telling jokes. No one laughed harder than he did after each joke. The man was amazing. We said, “Ok, Dad, you can stop now.” My sister, Bonnie, assembled them into a book called “Chet’s Chuckles”. “Don’tcha know? Dat’s for sickert, yeah sure, and you betcha.” Those aren’t spelled correctly, but that is how he sounded. My Dad was Norwegian. Did I mention he prayed before meals in Norwegian? We have that prayer framed by our dinner table.

The Lord took him home so gently. He loved waffles and ice-cream. He was a man of simple pleasures. He asked my sister, Lynelle, for a Dairy Queen milk-shake. She returned with it, he took a bite, smiled and went to heaven. Now that’s how I want to go. I praise God for taking him the way he lived, gently and kindly.

At his funeral each of us seven children spoke of his humor, wisdom, and gentleness. We sang his favorite song, “Silent Night”, in harmony, just the way he liked it. See you, later, Daddy. Thank you the love and legacy you left behind in your children, 20 grandchildren, and 7 great grandchildren. You are dearly loved.

Fast Forward to My Kids’ Father

My father sowed the seeds for me marrying wisely. My husband has also done some truly amazing things for his children. I will just share just one right now. Our son went on a camping trip over-night with a friend, who had a single mom. When we went to pick him up, he wasn’t there. After waiting, calling, pondering, pacing, praying…we began to panic. Had they been kidnapped? Killed? A single mom with children? This was in the dark ages, you know, B.C. Before Cell (phones).

My son’s father, my husband, drove up to Oklahoma from Texas and spent the night searching the camp grounds. (I wonder how many people he may have frightened?) He finally came home even more afraid. There was no sign of them.

As minister to children, and with two other children of our own, I stayed home. I went to work because it was now Sunday morning. My son walked into church, a little dirty, but happy. Yes, they decided to go to another park and spend an extra night, but the mom had “forgotten” to let us know. That’s a separate story, but since this is about what my son’s father did, we’ll let the story stand on that point. I am blessed beyond measure.

I Could BEARly Believe It!

Today I received an email with lots of pictures. A student in 7th grade went on a bear hunting trip with his father because it was very important to this boy to kill a bear. What, you say, did you say, “Kill a bear”? Yes. Now this is no ordinary boy. He was “normal” when he was born. But a childhood illness left him with violent seizures. He is now in a school for children with special needs, and I am blessed to serve on the school board.

Josh is a handsome boy and you can see what kind of teenage boy he could be before the illness robbed him of some abilities. His amazing parents always see the Josh who still can be, and I have the utmost respect for them. Josh has always wanted to kill a bear, his rite-of- passage into manhood. So Dad and Josh went to Canada to find and kill a bear. Very long, adventure story short, after countless obstacles, Josh killed his bear. They found some bears along the way, but every time Josh tried to kill one, in his excitement, he would go into seizures. Then would become too sleepy to continue, and would have to rest. But they persevered…for many days. Finally, the biggest big black bear ever came across their path. Josh had a seizure, but pushed through and killed the bear. His father wept.

Life lessons abound. Josh now knows how much his father loves him and believes in him. He also knows that he can push through obstacles and succeed. He learned this from a father’s love. No one doubts for a moment that Josh can do great things with his life. And now he has a black bear rug to always remind him of the limitless possibilities.

Happy Father’s Day!

Happy Father’s Day to all you fathers who teach life lesson each and every day with the big BEAR lessons, and the little words that you say that can affect your child for a lifetime.

P.S. If you have daughters, I strongly encourage you to read, Bringing Up Girls by James Dobson. You will be deeply impacted by the powerful role you have in forming who your daughter is now and the woman she will become.

Non Nobis Domine

Today at our church, our music pastor, Don McMinn, explained the history of one of my favorite songs, Non Nobis Domine. The men’s chorus sang it flawlessly.

My heart was so full. I traveled back in time to three different schools where I served as head of school where we sang that song for chapel and special occasions such as graduation and Grandparents’ Day. It is based on Psalm 115 and says, “But to Your name, may all the glory be.”

When the students would sing it a cappella and in parts, the harmony would highlight the reverence of these words. At Covenant, we would close chapel each day with this song. Each and every day, it would stir my soul and profoundly bless me. There is nothing quite like students in grades K-12 singing in Latin about giving all the glory to God to turn your heart to our creator.

This is why I believe so strongly in classical education and everything it represents. With the scriptures at the core, looking through the lens of history as His-story, and relating this to quality literature, excellence in education is achieved. When classical music, art and drama are woven in with the academic rigor of math and science, there is no need to say “college-prep”, because it is redundant. There is nothing that better prepares a student than a classical education.

Our pastor, Chuck Swindoll, is one of the most godly, intelligent, gifted, articulate, well-read people I have ever known. He also loves classical music and is committed to the best in music, which includes classical as well as the hymns of the faith. In addition to Sunday mornings, we have the amazing privilege of periodic programs committed to the history of the hymns of the faith. Pastor Chuck writes and reads the narration, and the orchestra and choir perform the exquisite music, under the outstanding leadership of Don McMinn. This unyielding commitment to high quality music is one of the reasons we are members of Stonebriar Community Church.

Music and worship speak to the soul. Our God is worthy of our worship and praise. At our May 15th program at Stonebriar, Heart Songs from the Saints, we heard and sang many of these songs such as one of Martin Luther, leader of the Protestant Reformation, and considered by some to be the father of hymnody. He once said, “Next to the Word of God, the noble art of music is the greatest treasure in the world. It controls our hearts, minds and spirits.”

When I reflect upon the hundreds of students who have learned and sung Non Nobis Domine over the years, I smile. But to Your name, may all the glory be!

For me personally, I praise God that I can worship in a church where music of this caliber is presented and performed with excellence. This is worship at its best. I invite you to come to Stonebriar Community Church.

Table Talk: Technology and Teens

Last month my goal was simply to alert you to the realization that technology is the new battle ground with our teens. This month I want to address a few more specifics within that topic.

As a prayerful, proactive parent, it is important to put up boundaries to protect your teen. In a wireless world that has infiltrated our lives, it is imperative to seek godly wisdom and discernment in establishing boundaries with your teens.

Of course, parenting is not easy, especially in this increasingly complex world of technology. If it was, then I would present you five reasonable, bullet-pointed strategies to turn your teens into media-responsible young people who respect your rules and don’t resent you one teensy tiny bit because they realize that you are just trying to help them.

If only parenting worked that way. But every child is different. Every family has its own unique blend. And technology is one of the more difficult subjects to approach and ‘get your arms around’.

So rather than give you five bullet-proof bullet-points, let me simply offer you some things to prayerfully consider. Discuss them with your spouse first, adjust them to fit your family and your teen(s), and use other inputs – such as others who contribute to this wonderful MOAT blog – as you adjust your strategies. Always remember, parenting is on-going.

There is no Walmart of Wisdom that has everything you are looking for in one easy shopping stop. You’re going to have to keep looking around at all times for the best deal.

Of course, the Bible is free and its pearls of wisdom are priceless. I would start there.

Join me at The Moat to read more.

Praying For Your Children and Students and Honoring the National Day of Prayer

Prayer is a gift from God. It is how we communicate with God and listen to Him. William Carey writes, "It is prayer, real, secret, fervent prayer that lies at the root of all godliness." Prayer is the central avenue through which God changes us. Richard Foster writes, "Prayer is what catapults us to the frontier of the spiritual life."

Prayer is one of the major aspects of our walk with the Lord. But often we become so busy and don't spend the time in prayer that we know in our hearts should be an essential part of our lives.

The purpose of this article is not to tell you to pray but rather, to help you find more practical ways to implement the priority of prayer on a daily basis.

When Should We Pray

Each of us needs to find the best time to pray. For me, I am a very visual person. I like to write out my prayer requests. I respond well to visual reminders such as note cards, pictures and objects that remind me of items or people to pray for such as photograph, a liberty bell to remind me to pray for our country, and special items that remind me of different family members or friends. Some of my more auditory friends prefer to pray out loud, perhaps in their car. My kinesthetic friends find walking or exercising to be their best time for effective prayer.

For 35 years, my jobs required that I be “on duty” early in the morning. Therefore, I needed to get up really early in order to have a quality, quiet time. But frankly, I am not a morning person. Getting my kids and me to school early was about all I could handle. As I used to say, I may rise, but I don't shine... and I found that during that season of life, I often had my best quiet times at night after everyone had gone to sleep.

God does not care when or how we pray. He simply cares that we do pray.

What Should We Pray

Our hearts often feel burdened for the many things we want to pray for our children and students.

Years ago I made up a prayer card to guide me in my praying for my children and later made copies for the moms at school and church. I put mine in my Bible or prayer journal. You are welcome to make multiple copies of this to use as a prayer reminder. You may use the blank places to list character qualities, scripture verses, and other items of daily concern that you have for your child.

What Should We Pray for Our Children and Students

Here are just a few of the many items we can pray for our children and students. There is great power in praying the Word and inserting the child’s name.

For example, if you have a daughter who is struggling with gossip you may want to pray:
“I pray for _______ to know that without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down.” Proverbs 26:20

If you have a child who is having trouble forgiving someone, you may want to paraphrase Ephesians 4:32 as you pray:
“I pray for _________________ to be kind and compassionate to others, forgiving______________, just as Christ God has forgiven him/her.”

• To have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ
• Protection from the evil one
• Christ-like character
• Love the Word
• Hearts of service
• Discernment in relationships
• To 'get caught' if they do something wrong so it doesn't form a habit pattern for life.
• Determine to finish well.

How Should We Pray

We desire to have cleansed hearts before God as we come to pray for our children and students. This involves confession of sin on our part. I tell children that 1 John 1:9 is like the Christian bar of soap. We take a bath every day to wash our bodies, and we confess our sins each day to keep our spirit cleansed.

Then we simply talk to God. In the book, Cherishing and Challenging Our Children, I provide some specific techniques and examples. A simple one to teach children also serves as a reminder for adults. That is:

1.Wiggle our thumbs and say something in praise to Jesus. This is our J.

2.Wiggle your middle fingers for O for others and pray for others: family, friends, teachers, pastors, missionaries, etc.

3.Finally we wiggle our little finger for Y and Y is for you. We pray for ourselves last.

There is JOY when we remember to put Jesus first, and the needs of others next and finally, you.

I must confess that I have to remind myself of this simple method on a regular basis as my prayers begin to sound like a “To Do List for GOD. This system helps me to keep my priorities in focus.

National Day of Prayer

It’s wise to train our children and students to pray beyond their personal needs. One way is to be involved with the National Day of Prayer which is coming up on May 6. While every day should be a Day of Prayer for us, let us find special ways to honor this day in your home, work, church and/or community.

For more information on ways that you can be involved, visit the National Day of Prayer website. May I encourage you to take time to read Jim Daly’s letter about the forces coming against this very important day.

May God bless your prayer life as you grow and deepen your walk in Him.

Table Talk: Technology and Teens

The last thing parents need is yet another issue to deal with in managing their teens’ developing, increasingly complex world. The list – which already includes teaching responsibility, respect, trust, how to handle relationships, spiritual maturity, wise choices, and moral values – has always been challenged by issues such as drinking, sex, drugs, entertainment, bullying, homework, procrastination, and the list continues.

So how on earth are parents supposed to add technology to the mix with everything else they are already juggling?!

Join me at The Moat (Mothers of Adolescents and Teens) to read more.

Be a Bucket Filler

Are you a bucket filler or a bucket dipper? I recently came across this concept when I read these two books. “Have You Filled a Bucket Today?” and “Fill a Bucket” by Carol McCloud.

In a new twist on the Golden Rule, Have You Filled a Bucket Today? explains to children that we all carry an invisible bucket in which we keep our feelings about ourselves. When our buckets are full, we are happy; when they are empty, we are sad. It's important to know that we can fill our own bucket and so can others. We can also dip into it.

"Bucket fillers" are those who help without being asked, give hugs and compliments, and generally spread their love and good feelings to others. The simple metaphor of a bucket helps even preschoolers understand the importance of consideration and love, particularly towards those who bully. "Bucket dippers" rob us of happy feelings by refusing to help with a task or by saying or doing cruel things.

From the website Bucket Fillers

You can read more about this wonderful program at the Bucket Fillers website.

When I read the books to my grandsons, ages 4 and 2, they “got” this concept immediately. They asked to read the books again and again. As we read other books and ‘real-life’ situations arose, the boys responded with bucket words. “Grandma, his bucket is empty. He is sad. He needs someone to fill up his bucket with kind words.” Or, “Her bucket is full because she is being nice.” It has helped them to verbalize feelings and identify appropriate actions in their own play as well.

This concept can even be put into action in the classroom. Take a look at how Beth Newingham used it in her 3^rd grade classroom. Here is another look in Mrs. Walker's Frog-Tastic 4th grade.